Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I used to joke that...

...I wanted to get paid to travel the world and rate hotels and restaurants. It wasn't really a joke, it was just that I couldn't figure out how to go about landing my "dream" job.

So, does anyone have any advice on how to fulfill my new dream of traveling the US as a consultant to new restaurants/clubs? From concept through creation, it would give me the opportunity to combine all my years of hospitality with my passion for design.

Inspiration comes from the most unexpected places. I would like to thank a gentleman from Kansas City, whom I have never met, for posting his comment yesterday. Although I probably will never figure out how to make any money doing this, it's still nice to think about.

Without our dreams, all we are left with are nightmares.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I wish I could figure out....

...what it is I want to be when I grow up. At a time in my life when I should be looking forward to retirement, I am instead, going on job interviews for positions I don't want.

Generally speaking, in this industry there is no 401K, pension, or even health benefits. I have determined that, at the rate I am going, I should keel over behind the bar somewhere around the age of 92.

I basically have nothing to show for the past 38 years of labor, and cannot for the life of me, figure what I should be doing providing I am to start all over this late in the game.

"They" say it's never too late...but for what, Peter Pan??

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Don't you just love...

...gossip? Just this morning I heard a theory on what lead to my downfall. Hell, I was unaware I fell.

I'm glad to know my friends are keeping track.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Does anyone remember...

...the old Carpenters tune "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down"? What about rainy Mondays? This rainy Monday comes on the heels of a Giants loss, a Dolphin loss, and an Alonso win.

I know this because I spent Sunday watching the idiot box as a result of, what can only be explained as, my fall from popularity.

I get the impression it's going to be a long winter.

Friday, September 24, 2010

People often seem incredulous....

...when I tell them that I do not watch TV. I have never seen a reality show, have missed all of the most popular series, disdain "daytime TV", couldn't quote you a single word from Oprah or Martha, and think that Donald Trump is a product of self promotion and marketing.

I am insulted when advertisers use talking bleach bottles and toilets to pitch their products, and extremely annoyed when after watching three minutes of programming am forced to endure six minutes of double decibel advertising. I am incredulous at the American public's ability to sit through hours of mind numbing nonsense and actually tell themselves they are being entertained.

Pick up a book, go for a walk, have a conversation. I forgot, with the onslaught of texting, people don't do that anymore. Just turn off the idiot box.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I recently discovered...

...that my job has been interfering with my social life. Having recently become unemployed, I have been enjoying lunch with one friend, dinner with another, and drinks with yet a third on almost a daily basis.

Being unemployed is conducive to weekend getaways, ball games, museums, concerts, dining, and an entire host of entertaining activities that are much more fun than work. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get paid for it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Over the past three days...

...I have had misunderstandings, disagreements, and fights with three different people. Last Thursday was akin to a roadside bomb, so very out of character to the new life I am trying to build. I think I will write a book on how to create enemies and alienate people.

Dale Carnegie can kiss my behind. What are you looking at??

Thursday, September 16, 2010

For the second time...

...in recent months I have found the need to use the services of Geek Squad. The first time a tech came to my home to remove malware from my computer. He was courteous, helpful, respectful, and professional in every way.

Yesterday I hauled my computer over to them to find out why it crashed. Apparently it just wanted to go for a walk in the fresh air because all Geek Squad was able to determine was that if I were using a specific port, I needed an adapter, which was GIVEN to me FREE of charge.

Additionally, I was not charged for the diagnostics. This individual spent at least half an hour with my temperamental computer, which decided to work after our outing. Thankfully, they are located only a few blocks from my home.

I highly recommend these guys and gals.

Monday, September 13, 2010

My thoughts are...

...somewhat like flash paper; brilliant in the moment, quickly forgotten.

What were we talking about?

Friday, September 10, 2010

One of my favorite...

...memories is when my eldest son was in high school. When you are a teenager we all know that every day tends to be a brutal one. Upon his return home from school one afternoon, he entered sullen and non responsive, immediately succumbing to his bedroom refuge, only to start blasting "The Who" so loudly that I could hear it downstairs at the other end of the house. Naturally, as a parent, I raced up those stairs to throw open his bedroom door, thereby exclaiming "Hey, turn that UP, would you?" I will never forget the grin that spread so wonderfully across my first born's face.

Screw the Peace Corp., being a parent is the toughest job you will ever love.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Has anyone noticed...

...the new electrical outlets look shocked?

I swear.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The other Jimmy...

...I have had an affinity for over thirty years is of the Quadrophenia fame. Pete Townsend unlocks something in me much in the same way as Dean Koontz. He too, allows us to glimpse something dark and evil that lurks in all of us without losing our humanity.

Quadrophenia embodies the quintessential bored '70's teenager. I have always and will always have a love affair with this album and the members of its band. Memories of my misspent youth.

Friday, September 3, 2010

I have mentioned before..

...my admiration of writers able to evoke emotion in their readers, and pointed out that Dean Koontz is my favorite. He is capable of transporting his readers into the whirlwind of activity and reminding us of the irascible nature of evil.

Some of his subject matter may not be appealing to everyone, but I always considered his ability to touch on the darker side of human nature fascinating. I wondered how he invented these characters and built a profile of such anti social thinking until I moved to NYC and realized that people like that really do exist.

Moreover than his ability to explain the so called logic of what we consider sociopaths, is his ability to create a bond with his affable and hapless unsung heroes. His Odd Thomas series make me laugh out loud on the train in such a manner that I might be viewed as what NYer's commonly call "the crazy homeless Bowery bum".

I am currently reading Life Expectancy in which I have developed a maternal instinct to protect its primary subject, Jimmy Tock. I have developed such an affinity for him that is taking me three times longer than normal to read this book, as its delectable consumption is interspersed with such bouts of laughter and tears, that I continually must put it down to eradicate the tears of mostly joy, and sometimes sadness.

Thank you, Mr. Koontz for another brilliant novel. A must read!!

While awaiting the....

...residual effects of Earl it occurs to me that, although we have not yet experienced the dog days of summer, this weekend marks its unofficial end. I have never been a fan of cold weather and I begin fretting over winter as early as next month.

I have already begun amassing reading material and movies in anticipation of another frigid, wish I were a snowbird, global warming affected winter.

I suggest you get busy, grasshopper.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I used to...

...joke that time doesn't speed by as we age, we just slow down. Where has the summer gone? For that matter, where has this year gone?

Happy September.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I spent the weekend...

...waxing nostalgic. A friend of mine has a home in Delaware County, NY. It is in an area as rural as the one I grew up in. As a kid I couldn't wait to get out of there, as an adult I appreciate the serenity the solitude provides.

Growing up, I craved the excitement of a big city, the culture, the arts, the food. Having lived here for nine years I was comforted by the peace and quiet of the country, although the food did leave a lot to be desired.

We always want what we don't have.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Yesterday I happened...

..to remember a song so lovely I cannot for the life of me figure out how I had ever forgotten it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0TInLOJuUM

Widen your circle of friends and allow more joy into your life through books, movies, art, sports, food, wine. Step outside your little world, there is a lot to see.

My favorite author: Dean Koontz. Yours?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I have concluded...

...that most of my followers don't read, and most of my readers don't follow.

Why does everything in my life so typically bassackwards?


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I have often...

...reflected that truly great writers are able to evoke emotion in their readers without the benefit of intonation or facial expression. Apparently, even with these aides, I am unable to vocalize my thoughts in such a manner that people understand my meaning.

During a recent conversation a friend indicated to me that he had only just realized what I had been trying to say some weeks earlier. He had misconstrued my intent and labored under false pretenses for some time.

I consider myself to be a straightforward person, and have been told to soften the truth on more than one occasion. Although I do not consider myself a great communicator, it confounds me that someone is capable of hearing something other than what I am saying.

I find that more often than not when people argue, they are actually saying the same thing in different words. How is it that we are capable of saying the same things and interpreting them differently?

We're still not paying attention, class. Listen up!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Every boday says....

...the only bad mistakes we make in life are the ones we do not learn from. For every one who has ever asked about my tattoo....


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Suspicion is...

...cancerous. It eats away at us and causes us to lose focus. It gnaws at the recesses of our minds and allows our fears to run rampant.

Never accuse a person of saying, doing or being something without concrete proof.

It is almost always terminal.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

NYC is more...

...superficial than an airbrushed Playboy centerfold. It is full of posers wannabes and predators. Some NYers wouldn't give you the time of day if you stole their watches. It is important here to identify the good guys and stick closely to them.

Keep your friends close, who needs enemies?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Many years ago...

...I made the mistake of dating a man considerably more attractive than myself. It got so bad that one day, while at lunch, the waitress was flirting with him so shamelessly that I had to tell her I was picking up the check and she should be nicer to me. It was embarrassing. I had forgotten that lesson.

So, if you think you want the whole "package" just remember if your partner makes you laugh, supports you emotionally, and pleases you psychically you already have it all.

The rest is extraneous.

Monday, August 16, 2010

On Friday I was....

...reminded that laughter truly is the best medicine. I heard a story that made me laugh so hard I cried, my cheeks and my abs hurt, and I nearly..well, if you're a woman, you know.

As a result of this, I concluded that in my lifetime I have been, and am currently, surrounded by people who have been kind to me rather than those who have not. Yet as dictated by human nature, I have had a tendency to focus on the negatives thereby causing myself missed opportunities through behavior learned by pain rather than joy.

Although a slow and arduous process, I am happy to realize I am learning to let go of the sorrow, as I have sorely missed the simple pleasure of laughing. Thank you to all the friends and family who lifted and held me up recently.

The future has regained some of its promise and I am looking forward to it.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The first time I was ever....

...blessed in my life was when I was born to my mother. The second was when my eldest son was born.

Happy Birthday, Charles. I hope someday you are blessed with the love of a child.

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Prompted by....

...a recent posting, a friend suggested to me that if he were not aware of my chosen profession he would have never guessed what I do for a living. Based on sentence structure and vocabulary I obviously sound more refined and intelligent than my profession would suggest. Poppycock (I am no word smith but that's another word that's fun to say)!

This archaic thinking is a lot more common than most people realize. I have worked with someone holding a law degree, many who speaks several languages, and almost all who would never assume anything regarding a person's degree of intelligence or integrity based on their profession.

Yet we continue to encounter the bias that we are all too stupid to hold other jobs. Most people are polite and appreciative of good service, yet there are those who are dismissive and downright rude. You probably thought prejudice only applies to race, creed, religion, age, sex, and national origin.

Maybe I'll just to show y'all a thing or two.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Ever hear of....

Hick Hop? It's fun!!!


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Roger Waters is...

.. a much better poet than Bob Dylan. Just listen to Wish You Were Here and Learning To Fly. I would normally include the link here, but for some reason they do not survive the publishing process. Here are the addresses to copy and paste: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGpnP0LYfjM and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xb-Nacm-pKc

He brings tears to my eyes.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Nothing enthralls me like...

...the power of the printed word. Unlike the mighty sword, words can amuse and educate. They touch our souls and break our hearts. They encourage and scathe us. They bolster our confidence and humble us. They give us perspective and allow us to see through another's eyes. They can reach into the darkest corners of our minds. They hold an endless fascination for me.

During some recent conversations I have been challenged to recall words that are simply fun to say and to use. Here is a partial list: rapscallion, hobgoblin, doppelganger, lollygagging, lackadaisical, loquacious, superfluous.

Roll one off your tongue today.

Monday, August 2, 2010

I have mentioned before...

..that I am currently blessed with the best crew I have ever worked with or for. Although I include the management and owners 1000% in that statement, I am mostly referring to the staff I work with five nights a week.

This staff treats me with the utmost respect, genuine affection and appreciation, and forgive me my occasional temper tantrum. This staff is supportive and caring and professional. They work hard and they consist of guys from Romania, Croatia, Mexico, Dominican Republic, Cuba.

I genuinely love these guys, so in a small effort to show my appreciation for them I have risen in the early hours of the past few Saturday mornings to make the trip out to Flushing Meadows Park in Queens to watch them play soccer. They organized themselves and play with strangers looking for fun and relief. They even play well together, and it's a pleasure to root for them.

So you can imagine how sickened I was to learn that a hate crime had taken place against a foreign national in that very park after such an event. I can't begin to explain my disgust at American stupidity. We all came from somewhere else, how is it feasible to hurt someone based on their nationality?

You don't deserve to call yourself an American.

Friday, July 30, 2010

In a city like NYC...

..if you have the means, you virtually never have to leave your apartment. Food and all other sundries are delivered to your door, your laundry and/or dry cleaning are picked up and delivered upon completion, people walk your pets, etc, etc etc.

So this past week I nearly entered the frustration zone when it literally took me four days to procure something as mundane as a cell phone battery. I understand that we live in a disposable society, but not every one wants to be or can afford to be so frivolous. The mentality being that, it's easier to get a new phone than a new battery is indicative of how selfish we are as a society.

I have finally figured out how people stay so busy doing nothing at all.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Did you know that...

...revolving doors are NOT idiot proof?


...judging by the dress of the sidewalk denizens, there is a clown school conveniently located in each of Manhattan's neighborhoods?

Have a nice weekend.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Some of my readers...

..opt to email me personally or visit their feedback in person. I've decided to share some of it. In response to my "unnecessary noise" post, I received an email about unnecessary body movements. You know, the foot shaking and the knee bopping. I've been guilty as charged on both counts in the past but have reformed mightily, although I catch myself from time to time.

Another email indicated that my choices for all time rock bands left a little to be desired. Donna Fargo and The Carpenters don't count.

The last response was a little more disconcerting. Someone I know fairly well indicated that my blog was becoming very personal upon the posting of "I am not a morning person". I was saddened that my attempt at emulating Erma Bombeck fell so miserably short that someone who knows me failed to recognize my attempt at sarcasm.

It has never happened before that I have failed in an attempt at being sarcastic. I must be getting old.

Sorry Sgt. Joe Friday, I crack me up.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

In a recent conversation...

... a friend of mine indicated that one of her pet peeves is something she has termed "unnecessary noise". I was amused as she indicated that drumming fingers, tapping fingernails, clicking pens, humming and whistling all drive her crazy.

That was until I was exposed to the spoon clinker. This individual is convinced that the only way she can dissolve sugar in her coffee is by stirring it a minimum of one thousand times making sure that her spoon clinks her cup every single stir.

This unnecessary noise is in no way melodic, it is not akin to the tintinnabulation of wind chimes. It does evoke the homicidal maniac in me.

Spooners, beware!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I am in no way....

...shape or form a morning person. I do not jump out of bed flitting merrily about humming while I prepare for my day. More often than not, I hit the floor, not running, but with a heavy thud; thereby shuffling blindly into the kitchen to prepare the only life sustaining substance I actually stock, which, of course, is coffee.

Once I am in possession of this highly coveted nectar, the steam generally loosens the crust on my eyes enough that I am able to pry them apart (sometimes this requires a special tool which I keep in my nightstand). This does not automatically mean I am focused, quite the contrary. I do not stop seeing double until after the second cup of miracle juice.

Generally, at this point I am able to bear the deafening noise of a pin dropping. Once I have adjusted to the noise level, I can bend over to pick up the pin without spiraling into vertigo thereby falling face first into the floor speeding up at me faster than a Formula 1 driver.

Having gained my balance I am now poised to actually think, not in terms of a human being mind you; simply think. It is usually a long and arduous process which is why I am unable to do much else for hours on end. I'm not sure why it seems to take me longer to become human than most other people, but once I arrive I certainly try to give it my all.

Tinkerbell must die.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Some people truly love...

...the sound of their own voice. They talk to you when you are trying to read. They talk to you when you are trying to watch TV. They talk to you when you are trying to sleep. They talk themselves to sleep, they talk in their sleep, and they wake up talking. I have never known anyone who has that much to say that is worth listening to.

Silence is golden.

Friday, July 16, 2010

There are people who...

...hate the heat and people who hate the cold. I fall into the later category. Normally I would be frolicking about this time of year, working on my tan, relishing the sun's rays. For what ever reason, this year I seem to be feeling lethargic and am spending most of my days indoors.

Last year nearly every weekend was spent at the Jersey shore, this year my vacation tan is fading fast. I do not agree with the naysayers who claim the heat is oppressive. Quite the opposite, I will reserve my complaints for the winter months, when it hurts your lungs to breathe. When the snot freezes half way out of your nose to form really ugly snotcicles. When thirty layers of clothes makes waddling any where a chore within itself. When 75% of our waking hours are spent in cave dwelling darkness.

Nope, it must be the humidity.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Zoo York City is...

...unique unto itself. I was fascinated to learn the reading material of a sleeping homeless man was actually the bard's "The Twelfth Night". I overheard a man wearing a wedding ring explaining to someone that he changed his online dating profile while waiting to be screened at a STD clinic. The list goes on and on.

Being as unique as NYC is, the economy here is somewhat insulated from what the rest of the country has been suffering for some time. But, it would seem the effects are starting to crack the surface here. Some of my friends actually had to give up their summer rentals, others are in far more precarious positions.

July has historically made a ghost town of these concrete canyons with the elite off to the Hamptons, the Poconos, the Jersey shore. Judging by the amount of business we did last night, everyone is staying put this year. Entertainment budgets are being spent closer to home, which I am grateful for, but really puts the recession into perspective for me.

I guess Prada, Chanel and the likes will get great deals out in the Hamptons this year, or maybe they will have to stay on Rodeo Drive.

New York, New York, it's a helluva' town.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I love a good...

...horror movie. Think "The Shining" (one of my top ten desert island scenario movies). Not slasher movies, but psychological thrillers such as "Frailty", "Mr. Brooks", and "Shattered" with Pierce Brosnan and Maria Bello.

So, I was very disappointed in the newest and tired remake of "The Wolfman". There were some recognizable names, though I felt it was miscast. The scenery was pretty good, although most of the CG's were pretty hokey. The transformation from man to wolf, was at best, mediocre.

The redeeming factor of this movie is it contains my new favorite movie quote. Anthony Hopkins: Never look back, the past is a wilderness of horrors.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

In a freaky coincidence...

...my friend Dave posted an eerily similar blog to the one I posted yesterday. Here's his link: http://lifeitself-dave.blogspot.com/

Dave was wondering aloud about the greatest rock band the world has ever seen. He narrowed his search to The Stones and The Beatles. In my circle of friends the combatants were The Who and Led Zeppelin.

Recently, during an Aerosmith debate, Dave and I agreed that we are both somewhat competitive. So with that in mind, I hope more of you weigh in on this one, the world's greatest rock band:

A) The Who
B) Led Zeppelin
C) The Beatles
D) The Rolling Stones
E) Other

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Over the weekend...

...I had to occasion to visit a little music store in the east village. They carry a lot of older and out of print stuff, so I felt a little like a kid in a candy store. I smiled and reminisced and bought back a happier piece of my life.

So today, I would like to play a little game. What are the top five albums you could listen to for the rest of your life? You know, the desert island scenario. I hope everyone weighs in on this one, and we get an awesome list.

I'll go first...
1) Talking Heads/Stop Making Sense
2) The Cult/For Rockers, Ravers, Lovers, and Sinners
3) Led Zeppelin/Physical Graffiti
4) The Beatles/White Album
5) Little Feat/Waiting for Columbus

Your turn.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Maybe the heat is....

..the cause of the recent rash of aberrant behavior I have been witness to. For the past week it would seem that I have been needed in support of many different people for many different reasons.

Some of these people I know, some I do not. Some of these reasons are major, some are incidental. Although it is nice to be needed, I am starting to feel as though I am the only trouble free person left in NYC. Now that's a scary thought because there are times I feel pretty needy.

Something's gotta' give, I just hope it's not the A/C.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Happy Birthday America....

...culturally speaking we should be entering puberty soon. That's when things will get really ugly. Go enjoy the last vestiges of childhood while you can, no matter what your age.

Celebrate your freedoms and advantages, make plans for your future. Life is good in America, and I'm proud to one of her citizens.

Now, Let's Party!!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I wish I had a sister to....

...tell me when I look ridiculous. My mirror, scale and tape measure have all conspired against me and all my clothes have mysteriously shrunk; I've heard chocolate can do that.

I feel great. I need someone to remedy that.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I have mentioned before...

...that I hate the discussion of sex, politics, and religion. They are all very personal and passionate subjects which invariably lead to raised voices and finger pointing. So, I was particularly annoyed recently when my "Fair Housing" (required continuing education mandated by the state of NY in order to renew your RE license) instructor took advantage of her captive audience to platform her political agenda.

That being said, I don't believe that the purchase of junk food should be allowed under the food stamp program. I believe that proper nourishment of the mind and body is a key component to health, happiness and learning. I further believe that banning the purchase of such food items will aid in reducing the obesity problem this country faces.

You can start yelling now, but please keep your hands to yourself.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Lighten up...

...please. If you walk into a room and the adults therein start complaining of an instant headache, if you try to hold a baby which rejects you with screams of horror while clinging to its protector, if you exit an elevator to hear the entrants start heaving mightily, if you walk by a stable thereby causing the horses to chuff and stampede, chances are you are not the anti-christ, but rather are wearing too much of that cheap rancid crap you call perfume/cologne. No one really wants or needs to smell you a block away, subtlety please.

In this case, less really is more.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I moved to NYC...

...before 9/11 with delusions of grandeur. The city, in all her glory, quickly taught me many lessons. Having undergone a metamorphosis of sorts, I am happy to say I have come through the rite of passage probably happier than I have been in years. Unencumbered by expectations and relationships, I have finally come home to myself.

How comforting.

Friday, June 25, 2010

My favorite part of...

...yesterday was when a dear friend announced his engagement. He was practically giddy with excitement and emanating infectious joy. Naturally, we all gave him some good hearted ribbing, but the promise, the hope, the certainty, the love was profound. To see him so happy made me happy and reassured in some vicarious respect.

He is a good man (something I do not say lightly; it sticks in my throat) and deserves to be happy. Congratulations, I wish him and his future bride all the very best!!

We all get so caught up in our respective struggles, that we tend to overlook the things that give us the most joy. Every one deserves a moment like that one every day of their lives. Pick one moment every day and remember it fondly, discard all the rest.

Life is too short.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

It's always the one...

...you never expect. I recall a resurgence of Johnny Cash's popularity among younger people after the movie Walk the Line. Additionally, I believe the sudden popularity of the FIFA World Cup among Americans may be attributable, in part, to the movie Invictus although I understand that movie revolved around rugby.

That being said, for the second time, I have been completely and happily surprised by a movie I had no desire whatsoever to see. The first was Million Dollar Baby starring Hillary Swank, directed by Clint Eastwood. The more recent one was The Blind Side starring Sandra Bullock.

In my typical cynical fashion I dismissed this movie as some feel good load of crap, which in its own way sort of is. The fact that it is based on a true story not withstanding, kudos to the family involved for opening their hearts and their home. Sandra Bullock actually deserved the award she received for this movie.

A must see.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

It is human nature...

...to want what we don't have. That's why when it is 50 degrees outside, we turn the heat up to 80, and when it's 80 degrees outside we turn the A/C to 50. That's why girls with straight hair get perms, and girls with curly hair get their hair straightened. That's why someone who is unobtainable automatically becomes more attractive.

While there is likely a scientific reason for this phenomenon, the philosophical aspect causes a great deal of angst among a varying scope of people, including myself. I don't obsess, but rather accept these facts as truths, thereby saving myself countless hours on the shrink's couch and thousands of dollars.

Still, there was a period in my life when I constantly lost my keys. It stopped when I realized I was causing it to happen by psyching myself out all the time. More recently I have decided that most everyone I let in, lets me down. I can only give you the benefit of the doubt for so long, then it's time to write you off, too.

Do they have a pill for that?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The cast and crew of....

...my employment production deserve an Oscar nod. The crew gets on very well and we all manage to play nicely together. There are no prima donnas and no consorting, both rare in my industry. The producers treat us well and the working environment favors the "10" end of the scale.

But the real draw, the real entertainment value, belongs to the cast of neighborhood characters. Everyone seems to know their role and plays it so well. Indeed, we have a raucous time playing our respective parts. We have developed a rapport in which we are all comfortable with the order of things.

So last evening, as we were yukking it up, I was amused by the outsider's view. A tourist was privileged to catch a scene from our performance, and although he did not review the entire cast, I was satisfied that I appear to be a "man hater".

All the world's a stage.

Monday, June 21, 2010

All this technology....

...that is supposed to make our lives easier really frustrates me. You can't even do your laundry today without technology interfering. These stupid money cards which have replaced quarters are meant to be more convenient, easier to carry. Big deal.

How convenient is it to load the machine and dispense the detergent only to find your card displays an error message when inserted. Now the machine must be emptied, the expensive detergent lost, and the laundry reloaded into another machine with the same results as the first.

Of course, there is no contact information printed on these cards, and to replace them from the machine that just told me I had a balance of $11.25, cost an additional $5.

Money cards more convenient than quarters? I think not, at least the quarters work.

Friday, June 18, 2010

One of my...

...newest readers happens to be an editor, so I do not take her praise lightly. She has indicated to me that I write very well, and I thank her for that. However, that and $2 plus tax will get me a cup of coffee.

Doing something well and getting paid for it are two completely separate entities, although I know lots of people who get paid for doing their jobs pretty half-assed. There are lots of things I enjoy doing, and do fairly well, the trick is getting paid to do them.

So, how do I get paid to go to the gym, the spa, the nail salon, shopping, dining, tanning, boating, cocktails, dancing, reading, watching movies, listening to music, and being with family and friends on permanent vacation?

I'm well qualified.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I am not...

...easily surprised or shocked, so the other night when one of my semi-regular customers remarked the following insight I was more than slightly taken aback.

This fellow is quiet and polite, never speaking much and always pleasant. His observation was also right on the money. I'll paraphrase for you....

"For some time I've been coming in here watching all these guys say stupid things to you. You smile warmly, and graciously tell them to go fuck themselves in such a manner that they leave happily, coming back for more, with empty pockets, and thanking you for it."

Who has been giving away my trade secrets?!?!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The buzzword...

...I've been hearing lately among my friends is, balance. In the past few days both my male and female friends have been using this term in reference to themselves, others, and life in general.

I had been considering the topic of philosophical vs. critical thinking for some time, as I continually find myself drawn to brilliant minds. Being a philosophical thinker these attractions to critical thinkers may be an unconscious effort in an attempt at balance. Or maybe it's just the packaging.

Oddly enough, I find that on life issues people generally come to rest in the same areas. They simply take very different paths to arrive there. We all enjoy the thrill of extremes and yet crave the comfort of consistency. Life is a balancing act of ego and empathy.

Surely, a spectacle to see.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

There's one in...

...every crowd. Invariably, at least once a day, someone who is not pushing a baby carriage or stroller, someone who is not wielding a cello or tuba, finds it necessary to let themselves out of the subway by using the emergency door.

For whatever reason this person cannot be reasonable enough to maneuver through the turnstile, but sets off the skull splitting, ear bleeding alarm of the emergency exit causing the rest of the passengers to cringe.

Do you really want to attract that kind of attention? Were you ignored as a child?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Is voluptuous....

...a euphemism for fat? Seven years ago, when I quit smoking, I gained a lot of weight that I can't seem to get rid of, no matter what I try. Over the past few years I have heard that adjective used in reference to me on more than one occasion.

The first person to use the term "Rubenesque" gets it.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I belong to...

...a private gym, exclusive to the residents of the building I live in. It is fairly well appointed, clean by standard practices, glassed in on three sides, and maintains a magnetic lock entry/exit system.

So I was not concerned today when, half way through my work out, one of my neighbors discovered we were locked in. I was confident that one of the building maintenance staff or someone from the leasing or management office would happen by on their way to the restroom. Surely, a fellow resident would happen off the elevator on their way to the billiards room, the ATM, the laundry or storage rooms, even the fitness center.

As my neighbor's concern mounted, a brief sense of claustrophobia played hide and seek with my conscience. I realized I was not free to go of my own accord, should that be my choice. I wondered how people in jail survive, and why they would ever go back. Surely, a little social conformity must be worth the freedom to move about as we please. I was trapped with no food, no water, no A/C!!! OK, the last part is a stretch, but it is amazing how many thought processes our brains can analyze in a matter of seconds.

As I joined my neighbor in, what surely must have appeared to our rescuer, as the church scene from "The Graduate", I realized this is what those pesky cell phones are meant for. Alas, I don't carry my pesky cell phone to the gym. As a reminder, of its use, it was ringing when I let myself into my apartment afterwards.

I am an unwilling member of the technology cult.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

We all hate...

...the aggressive driver who weaves in and out of traffic, right? Well, the problem with this thinking is that improper driving has forced this driver to do so. Keep right, except to pass is a pretty straight forward, understandable concept. Yet, regardless of the number of traffic lanes involved, some one inevitably moves left and stays there.

I understand with the onslaught of SUV's and larger vehicles on the road, that it can be frustrating when unable to see around these status symbols; but, if you are afraid to pass, stay in the right lane. Actually, I think this phenomenon is more attributable to self absorbed, completely oblivious assholes, which seem to be populating the planet at an alarming rate.

This concept is applicable to sidewalks, stairwells, and entry/exit doors, too. Do I think the majority of city dwellers cannot comprehend this concept because they do not drive? No, in my opinion they are self absorbed assholes playing with their personal electronic devices.

But we all know the saying about opinions.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Last night...

...a former reader indicated that my blog has become "boring". I briefly considered signing off, as this is most likely a true statement. However, I realized boring is good!

Boring means drama free, a good thing. Rantless means low frustration levels, a good thing. Raveless means more patience, a good thing. Do I know a good thing when I see it, or what?

Monday, June 7, 2010

Thank you to...

...all who answered my plea for support. Lee Rosbach pulled through the 5 1/2 surgery with flying colors, and his wit in tact.

I have been somewhat reticent in my blog as of my return. My wonderful vacation is almost a distant memory as the reality sets in. Everyone has a schedule to meet; in addition to work and school, there are always things cropping up. Some where along the line, our lives cease belonging to us. Time has become the enemy, seemingly robbing more and more from us each day.

Seize the moment, before you realize the honeymoon is over.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Please allow me to...

...alleviate any confusion generated by yesterday's post. It would seem that many of you are unaware of the fact that I actually know two people who share the first name Lee.

The first, to the very best of my knowledge, is alive and well. The second has been somewhat of a father figure in my life for more years than I care to admit being alive, hence the family reference.

Lee Rosbach suffered a massive heart attack and is likely undergoing quadruple bypass surgery as of the writing of this post. If you believe in prayer, karma, the secret, or any other positive or spiritual source, I would ask you to send healing thoughts to the universe on his behalf.

You kids did not pay attention to my ASS/U/ME lecture.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Probably a great...

...majority of families can be termed "dysfunctional". Divorce, non communication, physical disability, mental instability, sexual preference are all fairly common contributors to the terminology. This list goes on and on, and in a society where we are taught tolerance families most adeptly demonstrate the inability to do so.

So what is the definition of family? Not a birth right or an automatic marriage extension, but one who is always and has always cared no matter what. I'm pretty lucky to have an extended "family" that include my ex in-laws, step dad, half brother, former lover, and current friends. Is all that ex step half former current stuff hard to keep track of? Nah, surround yourself with the people you care the most about, and the people who care about you.

In the end, family is all you've got. Get well soon, Lee. We all love you.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I'm back in...

..the New York groove. Indeed, the trip to work yesterday was a painful reminder that I live in a city of self absorbed strangers who spit on the sidewalks, try to jostle for position in front of you when the train is pulling into the station, refuse to relinquish one inch so that a dozen others may pass by, and lots of other things better left unsaid.

But arriving at work was like going home. I was warmly received, everyone was anxious to hear my vacation tales, and I truly enjoyed yukking it up with some of my regular customers that I actually consider friends. See, you can go home again.

It's too bad home isn't a private beach quietly beckoning my enjoyment of yet another perfect day. Taxi!!

Monday, May 31, 2010

I generally don't...

..read critic's reviews. I am a fairly strong minded and somewhat stubborn person, so I like to form my own opinions of things. I have heard both positive and negative reviews of people who actually saw Avatar, and people who merely have opinions of everything. This is my blog, so here's mine.

I watched Avatar at home on my 46" TV and it was visually stunning. I can only imagine what it must have been like on the big screen and in 3D. Even more impressive than the CG's was the completely moving adaptation of the genocide of the native American people. The telling of this story was an uplifting tribunal to the human spirit. The underlying love story was indicative of the fact that we need not be clashing cultures; and finally, this movie was a warning of planetary matricide.

I know this sounds naive to some of you, but I love a happy ending.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm back from...

...undoubtedly the best vacation of my life. I was in good company, the weather was perfect the entire time, I visited some old friends and made a very important new one, the water was warm, the wine was cold, and the beach front hotel, by all standards, was quite nice.

Indeed, while staying there I was witness to at least one convention and one beach site wedding. Given the appointments and the popularity of this hotel I have only one question regarding the accommodations. All three of us shared a peculiarity in our respective rooms that warrants mention.

Our rooms shared a detail which confounds me, and was quite a lively subject of debate, although I am sure two bottles of wine contributed to the confusion. Someone actually designed, executed, and spent time energy and money to install a cut out between the bathroom and the sleeping quarters of the room.

This "window" did not overlook any scenery, was not functional in any ventilation respect, and was served by, none other than, a shutter; as was the actual door to the bathroom. Why lend an architectural detail to a room if it affords you no privacy?

Andrea says that even a couple married as long as twenty years needs privacy in this respect. "Honey, get me a beer." "Honey, where's the remote?"

I guess these folks think the honeymoon is over, or maybe you just had to be there.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

In case of emergency...

..don't break the glass. Drinking out of the bottle is so undignified. I am on vacation until 6/1/10. I hope to have lots to share upon my return.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Constructive criticism..

..is an oxymoron. Human nature is a tricky thing, and depending on an individual's current circumstances, can cause one to lean to either side of the issue. A positive person might focus on the constructive part, but a negative one will concentrate solely on the criticism.

Someone who has been mired in negativity for any length of time will attest to how difficult it is to break out of the pattern. It is not a matter of being released from the chains that bind to buoy to the surface. It is more akin to watching a person trying to remove tape that is stuck to their shoe by stepping on it with the other foot.

A tragic comedy.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Yesterday's blog...

...raised an eyebrow or two. Thank you to the three people in the world who were concerned about me as a result of reading it. It would seem that I managed to emit a morose tinge to my post. While that was most likely subconscious and true, my intention was to indicate that I am feeling scatter brained.

I have been considering several ideas for this blog, and have been unable to settle on one. Do the arts affect social morality? I have recently been haunted by some lyrics, and longed to see specific movies repeatedly. How has loss affected us as individuals? Losing people I have cared for has always manged to stay with me much longer than I would like, losing my job has never bothered me. Have you ever sent or received a text message, email, or voice mail in error? I have done both, and wonder if I lost a friend or made a stranger a new one as a result. Do you believe in love at first sight? It happened to me once.

These are all things I may ponder under the Florida skies. Then again, maybe not.

Monday, May 17, 2010

I have been...

..very distracted lately. Thoughts whirl around my head, seemingly endlessly. I am concerned for one friend, sad at the loss of another, curious about the possibilities of yet another, forgot to congratulate another. I am melancholy about missed opportunities, and hopeful for future ones. Left empty at broken relationships and fulfilled by the promise of new ones.

In preparing for my much needed upcoming vacation, I find I am mismanaging my time and am unable to focus or concentrate on the task at hand. I am unmotivated by the gym. Yet I remain positive that a change of scenery will inspire me. To do what, is the question.

I am open to suggestion.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

For one blissful moment...

....yesterday the cacophony that is NYC stopped to be replaced by a lone song bird. The blaring of taxi cab horns, the mournful wails of sirens, the incessant land and air traffic succumbed to the sweet welcome notes of one of the universe's most talented musicians.

One seemingly lost and unknowing reprieve from the constant grind of NYC. It truly is the little things.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Feast or famine...

...Generally I encounter enough social ineptitude that I have plenty of fodder for this blog. Every now and again the masses seem subdued enough that I am forced to bore my readers with the details of my time in the gym, etc. However there are times when I have to choose which absurdity I want to share.

Last night a friend of mine shared a telemarketer story, with any luck he will choose to blog about it himself. On my way home I witnessed some pervert stretching his arms as far as possible in order to fondle the breasts of a twenty foot mural; I am not making this up.

I am opting for the customer who had the audacity to tell me "you work for tips, shut the fuck up". He left of his own accord, thanks to my boss who intervened on his behalf. My boss is a pretty good egg, in an industry with an incredibly high turn over, most of his staff has been with him in excess of 10 years. I think that says something.

I know it was in his (my boss) best interest to avoid having a murder in his very well established restaurant, so I don't blame him for rescuing this moron from me. For those of you who do not know me, I am no demure shrinking violet. My response was a very vehement "Are you talking to ME? Let me tell you what you can do with your tip, asshole. Nobody talks to me like that, and I mean NOBODY".

Don't assume that because I work in the hospitality industry that I am subservient or too stupid to hold a "respectable" job. I am not for sale, and your tip doesn't entitle you to abuse anyone. Crawl back under your rock before I hit you with it.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

We've all heard...

... the old saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff". Well, I'm curious as to why it seems only my head and neck sweat when I'm in the gym. Shouldn't I be sweating in the much larger ares of my buttocks and abs? I mean I could use a little relief between my inner thighs where the friction of them rubbing together threatens to incinerate me with spontaneous combustion.

The way I see it, my shirt should be plastered to my rotundness, and my yoga pants should be able to wash themselves in the spin cycle my butt seems to cause when on the elliptical machine. But no, I seem to resemble some sort of embarrassed penguin.

Maybe I just have a fat head?!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Kudos to...

...NYC emergency services respondents. If you have ever witnessed someone in the throes of a heart attack, you know how unsettling it can be. People react differently to emergency situations; some with morbid curiosity, some become paralyzed with uncertainty, some are natural care givers.

Last night I managed to keep a cool head when dealing with 911 while watching the devastating effects of a heart attack wash over the face of a customer. It was just short of horrifying to see this man lose touch with reality while remaining conscious. It takes a special person to administer a professional and caring demeanor in any given environment.

Indeed, it took longer to complete the phone call, than for the first of the responders to arrive. My prayers go out to this man and his family, and my appreciation is renewed for the people who save our lives every day.

We all tend to take things for granted, until we find ourselves in that wake up! situation. Thank you to all the unsung people we rely on every day without even realizing their worth.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Physical fitness is...

..a pain in the ass. About five months ago my motivation decided to go AWOL, shortly afterwards my metabolism retired, probably somewhere down south where it is warm and sunny. Comfort food and 13 lbs. moved into the neighborhood of my ass and have caused the value to plummet.

Now I've been trying to get motivation to return and rally a neighborhood watch. It reluctantly agreed to return for a trial basis. Today we weeded some overgrown areas and collected some debris in some of the long forgotten vacant muscles. Tomorrow we will try to locate metabolism and see if we can shame into assistance.

Getting back into shape is a lot more difficult than allowing yourself to get out of it. Maintenance is easier than reconstruction, even if you are not 100% satisfied with the results, don't give up. The older we get the harder it gets. I'm guessing 10x the work for half the results.

Gym is a dirty word. Cellulite is a sentence.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day


Thank you for all the times you lifted me up, I'm sorry for all the times I let you down. I remember every time you made me smile, I regret every time I made you cry. I appreciate every time I catch myself emulating you, and pray you are proud of the person I have become. You probably never realized your inner strength was matched only by your outer beauty. You have always been, and always will be, the single most important and influential person in my life. I love you, thank you for being my mother.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Sex, politics, and religion...

...are three hot topic subjects which I like to avoid, especially when mixed with alcohol. Discussions involving any one of these three can lead to raised voices and finger pointing, but as long as everyone keeps their hands to themselves, I am generally happy when you kids play amongst yourselves.

There has been a term floating around of late that bothers me, sex addict. It just smacks of another excuse as to why one does not control their behavior. Granted, a cheat has many of the characteristics of an addict, they destroy lives, decimate trust and tear apart homes. They lie, manipulate and make excuses, refusing to see or admit to the problem. They cause themselves and others financial strain and seem to be unaware of the pain they inflict. Indeed, they do no want to correct the problem as they do not admit to one.

Now saying that cheating is an addiction, is simply another excuse for bad behavior. A liar is a liar, an addict is an addict, and a cheat is a cheat.

Friday, May 7, 2010

We live in...

... a disgustingly litigious society. Frivolous law suits invite the government into our bedrooms to hold our hands; they scream take care of me for I am unable to make my own decisions or I am too lazy to work and am looking for that one big, easy score. Does anyone recall the woman who sued a restaurant chain for giving her a hot cup of coffee and WON? She sued an organization for giving her what she ordered and WON!

That opened the floodgates for every excuse to pursue someone else's almighty dollar. It has become standard that the world owes everyone who considers themselves different or unfortunate, fewer and fewer people seek career paths, more and more seek the settlement. It is one of the things that splinter our population and divide us into special interest groups rather than one nation, undivided.

This hostile environment has recently lead to a dear friend having her head put on the sacrificial lamb chopping block, undeservedly so. In a world where sensitivity training, sexual harassment awareness, and tolerance are widely considered life tools, we tend to forget they are tools that can be used to stab us in the back in pursuit of the greed dream.

We've all heard the quote, "All is fair in love and war". Those who love money are willing to wage war against your character in an effort to get it. Watch your back.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Are people blissfully unaware...

..or completely self absorbed? I am fairly certain that in a city this size at least of a few of its residents are aware of their surroundings. I would hope that most of you check traffic before crossing the street, step over the gap when entering and exiting the trains, are conscience of other people when manipulating revolving doors, and when negotiating the sidewalks.

So why is it that I must ask you to remove your inanimate objects from the barstool so that a breathing paying customer can sit down? You don't notice this parched trembling being hovering around, lusting after the seat occupied by your laptop? Why is it when you ignore me after I have greeted you or stood waiting for your drink order for some seemingly indeterminable length of time are you shocked when I simply walk away?

Did you not notice the piano music stopped an hour ago, when the piano player left, and 80% of the staff changed into their street clothes, accompanying the rest of the patrons out the front door? Do you not see the staff unfortunate enough to be stuck with you are silently praying for your departure? Of course they are agreeable, it means their jobs, you self absorbed jerk.

Unless you are leaving with a member of the staff, you should never be the last person in the bar or restaurant.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Taxi cabs are...

..a plague within NYC. They are more rampant than rats or roaches and usually driven by maniacal unsafe and discourteous horn honkers with a death wish. Indeed any sane person has misgivings getting into one of these bright yellow hearses.

I seldom subject myself to being ripped off by these ghouls, but like taxes, there are times that it cannot be avoided. Last week when I took a cab for about 90 blocks, I was not startled by the $15 price tag. I was more than dismayed last night when I went one third of that distance for more than half the price.

Here's the deal; I walked to the train station which was closed. There were no posted alerts for service disruption and this is not an uncommon instance. Now my choices are back track the way I came, plus another four blocks OR 19 blocks to the next express stop on the train.

It is 1 am, I am tired, so I hail a cab. Now most of you are probably aware there is a $1 service charge for each cab ride that goes to the MTA. I have to pay an extra dollar for a train that isn't running, has inconvenienced me incredibly, and cost me to take my life into my own hands at the mercy of someone is going to steal my hard earned money.

Like a friend of mine likes to say, "beyond the pale!"

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

NYC real estate is...

...considered some of the most highly valued on the planet. Maybe that is why I am so over protective of the tiny parcel where I earn my living. There are but a scant eight stools for me to ply my wares and pay my bills.

If your intention is to occupy one of these sought after vacancies while waiting for the rest of your party; keep in mind that drinking water and eating free bar munchies, with every intention of transferring your check to the dining room and thereby not tipping me, can and probably will provoke me into volatile action.

By the way, chewing with your mouth open is not as sexy as you seem to think: and sarcasm is only charming when I'm engaged in it. My stools are for paying and tipping customers.

The rest of you, please go wait at the table.

Monday, May 3, 2010

How far is ...

..is too far? In a world where satellites can project images to computer screens, where video phones are about to burst onto the market, where laser surgery is commonplace, and cars can now park themselves; how is it possible that things like child pornography and incest still exist? How is it possible women are still stoned to death and illiteracy runs rampant? Why do ghettos remain anywhere on this planet and how can we justify making assumptions about other people based on their looks alone?

Where are the great thinkers and innovators? Why have we focused on money as opposed to scientific and medical advancements? Our leaders have failed us miserably, and what is more, we allowed them to do it. Who cares what Tiger or Jenna and Tito are doing? It is time to reprioritize, refocus, and regain our footing.

We haven't come nearly far enough.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

A man is only as good...

...as his word. I believe this quote is attributable to Theodore Roosevelt. I wonder if he meant that a man who spews obscenities, is just that; obscene. A man who spews hatred, hateful. A man who spews bigotry, bigoted. Or maybe he was referring to empty or broken promises, an unreliable man. Maybe he realized that a man late for an appointment essentially told the person waiting for him that his time is more important than theirs.

Of course, he never envisioned the invention of cell phones, Ipads & Iphones, Blackberries, OnStar, TomTom, or an entire slew of gadgets designed specifically to keep us connected and informed. These devices only magnify man's disregard for the person left waiting and wondering.

Don't wonder what impression you have left someone with if you stand them up, or spout negativity; because it is apparent to us that you don't really care. Do mankind a favor and stay home.

Hopefully, Teddy and my readers would agree, the operative word is MAN-KIND

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The pot calls the ...

...kettle black. If you look at the upper left hand corner of this webpage, you will see that the first line of caution when entering my domain clearly states that I leave no human suffrage unmolested, including my own.

I have never considered myself an intellect, but always prided myself informed and well-read enough to be capable of conversing with a wide variety of folks from different walks of life. Indeed, I boast among my acquaintances a head hunter, a psychologist, a teaching fellow, and a cast of otherwordly characters and crew. Some of these charitables actually consider me an equal.

So, tonight when a market analyst engaged my jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none mentality, I immediately began spouting market trends and vulnerability (based on my 6th grade social studies as opposed to my 6th grade math). He didn't fall for it.

I have never met a more analytical person in my life. My entire argument that all "forecasters" be it weather, astrology, climatic, etc, etc, follow a recorded and proven cycle in history, was heralded by this individual. He quoted the "Kondratiev Wave" to explain our current fiscal crisis. Somebody finally shut me the hell up.

Who cares what color the pot or the kettle are, if you are drowning in the water

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

If it was fun...

...they wouldn't call it work. I once read a poll of bartenders in, none other than, Bartender Magazine. They asked bartenders what their biggest pet peeves were: the #1 answer was "pennies". Thankfully, these little nuisances have been all but eliminated from the industry. The #2 answer was "smile".

Now, bartending CAN be fun, especially if you are a twenty something working in a club, partying with the customers until dawn (because hangovers don't affect you, yet) or if you're not too overly concerned about your job (you are writing the next great all-American novel, or your big break is just around the corner). It can even be fun when the restaurant is not filled to its 200+ seat capacity; and the waiters are not lined up for drink orders; and you are not trying to replenish stock as fast as you seem to be using it; and you are not trying to prioritize in your head what needs your attention foremost.

Even though you cannot see those 200 people in the rear thirsting for my immediate attention, and the 20 people at the bar seem easily handled, I may not feel well, or maybe my goldfish drowned. It occurs to me recently that as adults most of us have forgotten our ASS/U/ME lesson as a child. Remember, don't assume: it makes an ASS of U and ME. Don't assume that because you transfer your bar bill to your dinner bill that I will get any of the tip you leave in the dining room, ASS. I don't and I'm not likely to smile at U after you just ran my ass off for two hours and didn't tip ME.

Instead, try enjoying the highly honed choreography of a skilled professional bartender, or maybe try to envision the controlled chaos as poetry in motion. Either way, I don't come to your wok, expect you to drop everything you are doing, and smile at me. And if I did, I wouldn't expect it to be free.

Reality bites...

..the Big Apple. According to an article published in the New York Times on Tuesday, 4/27/10, one of the networks has slated the release of a new reality show focused around the sex lives of "older" women.

I understand that reality shows are prevalent TV fare these days, although I have never seen one, and do not share the seemingly national fascination of peeking into other people's made up lives.

Don't get me wrong, I am every bit as much a voyeur as the next person but I have no desire to live vicariously through someone else's producer created reality. Nor do I need to bolster my spirits by comparing my somewhat boring life to the complications generated by TV writers for the consumption of the masses.

I also agree wholeheartedly that a healthy sex life is essential to our well being as humans. That being said, do I want to tune into hear a 63 year old woman talk about vibrators and manual manipulation, or daring to leave the house without her panties. Hell, no! I'd rather experience things for myself (sorry, Mom).

Geriatric sex, Jerry Springer, wrestling. No wonder I don't watch TV.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Ugly is....

...as ugly does. Perhaps it is the recent consistent rain here in NYC that has dampened my mood, or perhaps I have simply grown weary of the following scenario:

Barbie walks into busy restaurant holding dripping umbrella as though it is venomous snake about to bite her, loudly interrupting all activity she looks at me and, indicating said umbrella, asks, "where should I put this?"

Now, folks, my initial reaction is nothing as charitable as the coat room. Yet, I cause myself to pause as not to be counter rude (or to blurt out what I am really thinking), excuse myself from the customers to whom I had been addressing, and take a breath to answer her. BUT, she misinterprets my hesitation as weakness, blood in the water, if you will. Storming down the hallway, she has the gall to fling her undesirables in the direction of the coat room.

Little does she know, because the restaurant is family owned and operated, she has just insulted the owner's sister, as opposed to one of us lowly trained organ grinder's monkeys in tuxes. I am often incredulous at the perceived self importance of some people, until I remember that these are the least happy people I encounter.

I refer to this woman as "Barbie" because of all the plastic she flaunts, in her cheekbones, breasts and (collagen) lips. I am NOT against plastic surgery or anything else that makes a person happy. The problem I keep finding is that it is no solution to what they seem to be redefining.

No matter how gorgeous a person is on the outside, if their soul is rotten no amount of designer clothes, shoes, handbags, colognes, jewelry, surgery, cars, homes, etc can mask the ugly that always manages to keep them wondering why the world isn't falling at their feet.

It's because ugly is as ugly does.

Classic cocktails are....

..making a comeback? Negronis, Martinis, Manhattans, Single Malt Scotches are replacing Mind Erasers, Sex On The Beach, Irish Car Bombs, and Jolly Ranchers throughout NYC.

Now, "classic" is defined as: recognized authority or excellence. The adjective can be applied to almost anything: "classic" cars, "classic" rock, "classic" example, "classic" architecture, "classic" cocktails, "classic" beauty.

"Classic" making a comeback? It never went away, it just grew up.